Soch rahi hu kise batoo is ladki ka naam...........

Today i will tell u about her...
tell u about her... or will tell myself about her....dunno kaha se shuru karu
she takes care of me so much... take care as in take care ..such that even she doesn know abt it
and she want to save me from this "tuff" world ...and yes she does..
she is always there for me..(yes dear not only there but here and where ever i need her..some times she is there even before i want her to be there...she undestands that thing which i have not yet uttered)
i always want to give her something...something that will make her feel special..will make her feel how important she is for me and for all the people around her.....
but i guess since i "want to " so i am not able to
and she will do this so casually....
i have heard people saying"two gals can never be too gud frnds"
thnx dear for giving me a reason to prove them wrong
one of my and her frnd told me.."there is something so gud abt ur frndship and i really like it so much"..thnx again dear
our bestest talks are abt other
it is so much fun critizing other..i mean analysing others..
and singing beautiful songs soo soooo badly
but i luv it
my parents and relatives and so very satisfied if she is it with me
they are satisfied that i am safe
safe from this "tuff" world
i dnt know what i will do without her
actually dnt know
at tyms she becomes my true frnd truest fnd she she doesnt talk to him and her or lets say hims and hers......
but ya she does understands that i do not wnt her to take any more "even i am not talking to him/her"
i really wish that she gets so much fun and love and joy and happiness and proud
hope she get what she deserves and desire...
she....my dear..................
luv u so much

There shall be showers of blessing...this is the promise of love

There shall be showers of blessings..
this is the promise of love....
there shall be seasons refreshing...
send them upon us oh lord...
showers of blessing...showers of blessings we need...........

This is something i am hearing since my childhood
i am sick of hearing this
i have heard that.."whatever happens happens for good(jo hota hai acche k leye hota hai)"
that true, whatever happens happens for good, acche k leye...but shayad mai to buri hu
bure k leye kuch kyu nae hota
i am now understanding the meaning of jealousy,irritation,impatience...
when we are happy actually happy then only we can be good
good to others and good to ourselves
good to society
but ....
i am not happy
so every now and then i have a fight with someone or the other
and since i have fight with someone or the other i become more unhappy..
i try
try a lot
to be normal
but this is what i am doing since long
i no more want to do it
i want to be the way i am
i actually dont have any specific reason to be happy
and if u r thinking that i have more privilege then many others then i will say that i do thank god for that and do use those abilities of mine for the good of myself and at times others
GOD...good name
he is only faith i must say
or a blind faith
i which i have believed since my birth
he will do everything fine
fine at the end
who is gonna enjoy at the end
after so many sufferings
so much pain
whats the point....... when he can make us miserable for years and years
and then at the end give us what we desire or deserved for
does he really gives us that or do we belive that he has given us
i dont actually know what i am writing...
but i know one thing that i was not writng becoz of this
becoz of this frustation of mine
i knew whenever i will write
i will write such crap(?)
but yes i do feel it that everone has THE right to be happy
and i am among one of the waiting ones.....................

Ram's "agni-pariksha"

one odd day in one of my PG room some girls(of 11th and 12th standard)
were laughing hysterically..
i peeped in
they all were mimicing the dialoges of serial ramayan and mahabharat and
having fun

this scene made me think of my school days

right from my childhood i was very much familiar with the name
ramayan,mahabharta,hanuman,geeta,also jesus and allaha
my parents always told me stories of both ram and rahim
papa always told me great things written in quran

when i was child i did not understood meaning of these things
but as i grew and now when i am away from my parents i always remember those beautiful short stories

but what i saw in my pg room was sadening
i mean all of them were talking (obviously) in english
and considering the chatracters of ramayan and mahabhrat as if they all were alien
i mean they actually dont know anything that is written in ethics...???
nothing at all!!!!

when i was a child i was told not only the known stories but also stories of these ethics which were "off the records"...although even today i dont know origin of both
"on" or "off" the record stories


i had problm with "on"... that

"when ram was so great GOD why did he ask sitaji to give a "agni-pariksha" when he defeated ravan...didnt he trust his wife who herself was (also is) considered as godess..."

i had whole lot of problme with RAM
i took lot of courage to ask my parents abt it
and i was told this "off" by my papa


"look beta ...ram was god ..he knew all that was about to happen...
when ravan was about to come to take away sita..in the form of a beggar..
just before the scene ram knew what all was going to happen...so he asked agni to keep sita safe with it...and the lady that ravan took with him was just a maya and not actual sita...so when ram defeated ravan ram had to take back his wife from lord agni and so he arranged for a agni pariksh...."

i was satisfied

I want to be....

when i was a kid i wanted to be a nun
..because i used to see nuns in my schools
i enjoyed my middle school days..then
as i grew i wanted to be a doctor
i used to see the medical college which was in the way of my school
then slowly as and when i "discovered" that passing a PMT is "tough" my dream faded
i was still in 9th only and i enjoyed my higher school

then finally i took science so that i would become an "engineer"(may be a chief engineer like my father)
and would do my bachelors from the same college as my father did
but i could not!!!
i did engineering from xyz college
and i became a engineering with flying colors(????)
i enjoyed my college days
and i dont know what helped me(my luck or hardwaork or yuuu he ho gaya) and recruited by a IT company during my third year...
soon i became "hero" for my relatives(specially who were pursuing engineering)
i joined
i thought am i really a part of this big institution
i got into project
i thought i will never be able to do coding but to my amazment i did
did it pretty well
but i never loved it
for some days i did like it
i still like it
but still i feel i am at wrong place
may be i wanna be a manager
may be a journalist
may be a painter
may be a nice mother
may be a good house wife
may be a social worker
may be all of the above
may be none of the above
i am happy...
i enjoy...
then does that mean that ultimately people like me are happy anywhere they are
and do good or above average where ever they go...BUT...
that directly means that there is no word like "aim"
or "aim" is what we do
i am confused but i am happy
and trying to do better than "good"....

This smell reminds me ..of.....

yup this happens with me
i have many memories....associated with smell..

there is one particular "smell of school"... that too my primary school..
whenever i go to some primary school(yup not all) the smell reminds me of my school days

there is a smell that reminds me of my tuition place
the smell of air of march-april reminds me of exams

there is a smell that reminds me of my school sir(he was a hunk..:))

some smell reminds me of as if my papa(father) is very angry and about to scold me...altough i am in pune and he is in jodhpur)

then there are "normal" smells of rain,baking roti,smell of new note books,some perfume..that reminds me of different occasions

all this may be weird for others
but for me it is very important
it keep me in touch with my sweet memories when i am far away from my dear ones
i never told this to anyone but i wanted to express this...that smell is so important
and so i thought that blog is the best place...

home sweet home

Home...such a relaxing word...i am sure we all get that close-up smile on our face on the very mention of home.I completed my school and college from my my home only..so i "normally" liked my home as all of us like.

Then i was very happy since i got job in hyderabad...
was very excited to live independently...
I always thought "freedom" was the word...
my parents came with me to hyd...i was settled there and then they left...
......then things stared striking my head
how on the earth am i going to manage "all this"
for many mrng i woke up with swollen eyes..(since i cried at night and could not sleep)
every day i talked to them so that i could...survive
then slowly things stared going on right track(is it?)
i started living
i managed myself
i became more punctual
more sincere
and more lively
and in this learning phase...my love and respect for my parents grew rapidly
i found out their real value
i started missing(also liking)those small scolding from them
when i had to purchase gift for them someone asked me.."...what is the range.." and i was
blank faced..."anything" was the reply
i wanted to do something that would make them actually happy(more than making them proud i want them to be happy)
i do so many things for their happiness but i am not satisfied...and i dont even want to.